Regain Your Independence

He Loves me, he Loves me not, he Loves me...

I’m a firm believer in divine timing. When you are facing a problem the right teacher, book, words or feelings will appear before you. You have a choice whether you would like to pay attention to the message or struggle some more. This whole “living my life with feelings” can be quite a roller coaster.

My husband Rog has been one of my greatest teachers in life. Currently one of my biggest lessons is about control. I go through phases of throwing a hissy fit over my his addiction. He has been a smoker for over 20 years now. I’m a habits and addictions coach, I should be able to help him feel better, right? I forget that he doesn’t need to be saved. My feelings of inadequacy are definitely suited for another dedicated blog post later on. He doesn’t want the help but I hate his habit.

Sometimes I can accept his smoking and go on with life. Other times I tell him how much it scares me and that I’d like him to stop, but that I’m willing to compromise and if he wants help I’m more than happy to assist. Some days I get angry that he stinks and my lungs burn and he’s wasting time and…etc.

Why can’t you just do what I ask of you?

I continually attempt to control his behavior. On occasion I have even convinced myself that his cigarettes are more important than I am and that he doesn’t love me. That will usually result in the silent treatment from me so he can see just how hurt I am.

I do all of these things out of fear. I’m not even conscious that I’m trying to get things my way. It’s an ingrained habit of mine. If I’m not in control of a situation I am panicked. I make myself feel even worse because my mind runs away with crazy thoughts. I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve anything and I am unloved.

I’m getting better at realizing when I’m being nutty. One emotion at a time. I see it and I want to change MY behavior. What now?

Take a step back. Breathe. Allow myself to see what’s real.

• Take a step back: I notice that the insanity is already lifting and all of the crazy thoughts running through my head are starting to slow down. They’re running out of energy. When I’m not caught up in the moment or in the fight it’s easier for me to think.
• Breathe: Deep cleansing breaths help me feel better. It’s soothing to my frazzled nerves. I concentrate on my breath or positive things. I like to do my breathing around people so often I will go to a coffee shop or park and just relax for a bit.
• Allow myself to see what’s real: When I have calmed down and I’m thinking rationally I notice some important things:

My husband loves me. He is a slave to his addiction. I remember how I was with my gambling. I couldn’t help myself, but I never stopped loving the people close to me. I gave up on myself, not them.

I have connected his smoking with the way my mom treated me as a kid and a lack of love. That’s huge! No wonder I throw tantrums and panic about it!

This next one is so obvious and yet hidden at the same time: My husband is NOT my mom.

I am safe. I am loved.

Since I am a reader, I turn to books that will feed my soul. A brilliant little pamphlet titled “Letting Go of the Need to Control” by Ann M. helped me move forward in my learning process. It explains what control looks like and what you can do about it. It’s a Hazelden publication that can be found here on their site. Be sure to go there…I checked for it on Amazon and it’s $5 more. It’s a tiny publication but it is packed with great information. I am certain that it will help you feel better. While you’re on Hazelden’s site make sure you shop around. I’ve found that they have incredible, encouraging and uplifting products.

If you would like further assistance please check out my Gambling Coach and Life Coach pages.  There’s nothing like one on one support and encouragement!

Certified Life Coach and Author with experience on Gambling Addiction

What to do When the Storm of Emotions hits

When I made the choice to start feeling my way through life instead of running away from my problems I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  Most days are filled with wide-eyed wonder at how many colors there are in the world.  Some days are an absolute shit storm of overwhelming emotions.

Allow me to paint you a picture:

Be Your Own Hero

Have you ever sat around wondering about how much better your life would be if only someone would come save you?

I spent most of the time in relationships thinking that they would get better if only my partner would decide that they really wanted to be with me. Surely they would change the way

What’s the big deal? It’s just a game.

Bejeweled Blitz.  Mafia Wars.  FarmVille.

You know the ones.  These are the Facebook applications you and your friends are playing.  The scores will even post to your profile page.  You can show your friends just how well you’re doing and invite them to play along too.

As I scrolled through my Facebook page I saw the pretty pictures that showed what my friends were scoring and earning.  I finally decided to try one of them, figuring it was just a game, so why not?  I started playing Bejeweled Blitz about a month ago and I was hooked immediately.  I love the idea of

It Worked For Me…DOSE

Simple. Profound. Powerful.

That is, when you choose to use it.

I would be stuck in my stupidity…er, I mean that I would be making my latest attempt to feel better when I would suddenly realize that I’m actually feeling worse. I would be sitting at my machine of the moment and I would experience a brief moment of clarity when I could see that I was losing too much money and that I was hungry and had to go to the bathroom.

When you’re stuck in your stuff it’s hard to pry yourself away from it. I had to figure out a way to get my mind off of it.

One of the most important steps I used to overcome my gambling addiction was to take my DOSE. DO Something Else.

When my chance at change came with my moment of clarity I usually would remember that being hostage to the stupid machine sucked. I cashed out my money (if I was lucky enough to have any left), got up and left the casino. Just doing that helped clear my mind and made me feel better. The next step depended on the situation, but I would usually go for a walk or go home to sleep. Whatever it was that would lighten my mood and help me feel even better.

What can you do differently? Stop mid-bite. Throw the bag of chips away. Don’t return the email from your affair. Turn off the computer. Something for you came to mind, right? Now that you have some new ideas you can choose to do something else. Celebrate your success!

What is your DOSE? How has it helped you?
Please share your comments below.

P.S. This tip can also be found in my book Numb No More along with more helpful solutions.

Shake the S–t Off Your Shoe

What have you stepped in lately?

Is it possible to see problems, habits and addictions in an amusing and helpful way?

Yep.  Here we go.

There are times in life when you step in the middle of a big steamy pile of poo. When you realize you’ve done this smelly thing you have options:

• You could keep walking and hope that it will eventually wear off. This occurs when we are in denial. You know, “I don’t have a problem.”

• How about pausing for moment to take a whiff? Something smells a bit off but you choose to postpone it and keep moving. “I will quit the next time I (insert your favorite ‘this is the last time’ experience here).”

• Then there’s the possibility that you saw it coming but got distracted and stepped in it anyway.  “I won’t get hooked the first time.  That only happens to other people, not me.”

• You could always look down, see that the mess exists and decide that it stinks and you aren’t going to take it anymore.  Then you get  it off your shoe.  “I’m tired of wasting my life on this stupid problem (habit, addiction).  This has got to stop.  Now.”  At this point you might go get a book (Numb No More is a great one), find a meeting or phone someone who can help.

Choose to shake the s–t off your shoe.  Create a better life for yourself.  You deserve the best you know.

Tell your story.  Share your thoughts with a comment or two.

Addiction…with a twist

Addiction can be such a dreadful topic.  You already know that it sucks and that you aren’t happy.  It’s like there is a dark cloud hanging over it.

Blah.

Lets look at it differently.  Everyone is addicted to something.  Shopping, shoes, smoking, tv, cookies, ice cream, Starbucks, pills, drugs, gambling, sex, internet….I think you get the idea.

So what’s my point?  When you are ready to be done with your habit it will be easier to kick if it isn’t so dreary.

How can we make that happen?

• Decide you’re ready to do better.
• Focus on the positive of where you want to be.
• Take steps toward that goal without looking back.
• Prepare yourself to enjoy your success.
• ENJOY!!!

I understand that you have probably been holding a shovel and digging yourself a grand canyon.  Ok, so what?  Don’t you think you’ve beaten yourself up enough with your addiction?  What good does it do you to look back?  Sometimes I use it as a reminder of where I don’t want to be.  If I start the beatings I shift my focus.  I hurt myself long enough.

Let yourself do better.  It’s time.  The world needs you.

Numb No More

We often slip into the trap of addictions because we want to escape from our current reality.  We sit in front of the tv for hours, pop pills, gamble or many other things.  Anything we do excessively and without control is an addiction to us.  Even the relationships we are in.  We can be addicted to them too.

When we stop caring about our well being and begin to escape in a numb void we give away our freedom.  Are you ready to take your life back?

Welcome to Numb No More!