Regain Your Independence

He Loves me, he Loves me not, he Loves me...

I’m a firm believer in divine timing. When you are facing a problem the right teacher, book, words or feelings will appear before you. You have a choice whether you would like to pay attention to the message or struggle some more. This whole “living my life with feelings” can be quite a roller coaster.

My husband Rog has been one of my greatest teachers in life. Currently one of my biggest lessons is about control. I go through phases of throwing a hissy fit over my his addiction. He has been a smoker for over 20 years now. I’m a habits and addictions coach, I should be able to help him feel better, right? I forget that he doesn’t need to be saved. My feelings of inadequacy are definitely suited for another dedicated blog post later on. He doesn’t want the help but I hate his habit.

Sometimes I can accept his smoking and go on with life. Other times I tell him how much it scares me and that I’d like him to stop, but that I’m willing to compromise and if he wants help I’m more than happy to assist. Some days I get angry that he stinks and my lungs burn and he’s wasting time and…etc.

Why can’t you just do what I ask of you?

I continually attempt to control his behavior. On occasion I have even convinced myself that his cigarettes are more important than I am and that he doesn’t love me. That will usually result in the silent treatment from me so he can see just how hurt I am.

I do all of these things out of fear. I’m not even conscious that I’m trying to get things my way. It’s an ingrained habit of mine. If I’m not in control of a situation I am panicked. I make myself feel even worse because my mind runs away with crazy thoughts. I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve anything and I am unloved.

I’m getting better at realizing when I’m being nutty. One emotion at a time. I see it and I want to change MY behavior. What now?

Take a step back. Breathe. Allow myself to see what’s real.

• Take a step back: I notice that the insanity is already lifting and all of the crazy thoughts running through my head are starting to slow down. They’re running out of energy. When I’m not caught up in the moment or in the fight it’s easier for me to think.
• Breathe: Deep cleansing breaths help me feel better. It’s soothing to my frazzled nerves. I concentrate on my breath or positive things. I like to do my breathing around people so often I will go to a coffee shop or park and just relax for a bit.
• Allow myself to see what’s real: When I have calmed down and I’m thinking rationally I notice some important things:

My husband loves me. He is a slave to his addiction. I remember how I was with my gambling. I couldn’t help myself, but I never stopped loving the people close to me. I gave up on myself, not them.

I have connected his smoking with the way my mom treated me as a kid and a lack of love. That’s huge! No wonder I throw tantrums and panic about it!

This next one is so obvious and yet hidden at the same time: My husband is NOT my mom.

I am safe. I am loved.

Since I am a reader, I turn to books that will feed my soul. A brilliant little pamphlet titled “Letting Go of the Need to Control” by Ann M. helped me move forward in my learning process. It explains what control looks like and what you can do about it. It’s a Hazelden publication that can be found here on their site. Be sure to go there…I checked for it on Amazon and it’s $5 more. It’s a tiny publication but it is packed with great information. I am certain that it will help you feel better. While you’re on Hazelden’s site make sure you shop around. I’ve found that they have incredible, encouraging and uplifting products.

If you would like further assistance please check out my Gambling Coach and Life Coach pages.  There’s nothing like one on one support and encouragement!

Certified Life Coach and Author with experience on Gambling Addiction

This Was My Gambling Addiction part 2

There is Never Enough

Here is some more of my previous life.  You can find additional entries under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

October 22, 2005

So what do I want?  It seems to be the infinite question.  I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but I am in trouble with my gaming.  I’m going to hand my [credit] card over to Lee [my ex-husband] tonight.  I must stop the leak – a trickle has turned into a flash flood and it’s drowning me.

October 24, 2005 11:58 pm

I’m having a hard time still.  I’m tired of being alone.  I’m struggling with the idea that what you focus on will appear.  I don’t know how to focus on a loving relationship.  I know that I have a few men who love me.  I want to be wanted too.  How do I convince myself that I am?

My gambling is still discouraging too.  I’m cutting back ok, but I still don’t have control.  I don’t think I ever will.  I miss Lee.  He’s helping me tremendously but I miss being home with him.

November 6, 2005

I was hoping that I’d feel better…when November came (the 11th month), when I spent all the money, when…whenever.

I feel better some days.  I had a terrible day a few days ago.  I needed to meet Lee and I couldn’t make myself get off of the bathroom floor.  I really just wanted to die.  I wanted them [my deceased grandparents] to come get me so I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.  I keep telling myself that I’m never really alone, but its hard to believe that sometimes.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  What if I really am ok just the way I am?  What if I don’t need to “improve” myself for other people to like me?  What if I’m just around the wrong people?  What if…?

What if I win the jackpot at the Atlantis [Casino in Reno]?  I’ll leave – take my house off the market.  Go to school in the spring and come back in the summer and sell it in the fall.  That’s what I’d do.

I’m in the Silver Club coffee shop now.  I’ve eaten my breakfast and I’m ready to go.  Where?

John is supposed to come over today.  Maybe he’ll make me feel better.  I wish I knew how to make myself feel better.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

Be sure to subscribe as well! I’ve been reading my journals and there is much more good stuff to come!

This Was My Gambling Addiction

There is Never Enough

I’m pulling back the curtain on my gambling addiction.  Since I have already written a book and laid my life out on the line, and the fact that I have tended to journal through the rough spots in life, I have decided to give you a better look into my thoughts at the time of my struggles.  I am posting random journal entries with the hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone and that there is hope.  You can find them  under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

9-12-06 2:37 am

Oh, I just love to gamble, and win.  But, how little I win and how often am I coherent enough to enjoy it?  I promised myself I wouldn’t play after I sold the house…I quit after every time I lose (usually).

I actually took a loss break tonight.  All I could think about was going back to gamble.

I’m lonely.  I miss the feeling of someone lovingly touching me.  I miss having sex.  I miss the passion.

I miss having problems other than my addiction.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

Life Changes in the Blink of an Eye…are you Ready?

I don’t think I am. The anticipation is building. I’m waiting for an important phone call that has the potential to change the direction of my life. I am nervous about it to the point of a grumpy anxiety. I’m not happy about the way I’m acting and I’m ready to change my state of mind.

Hmmm. Now what?

After a few normal negative thoughts (I’m still training my stubborn brain) it has occurred to me

Do I Really Want To FEEL This?

Reality alert!

Maybe you can relate to this: Sometimes I convince myself that life just sucks.

There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. Those are the days when gambling used to be like a magic eraser for me. Maybe you drink, or pop pills or veg out in front of the tv or computer. We all make choices, right?  We have the choice of whether or not we want to continue living in our sad and lonely place. I have occasionally been known to carry mine around with me

Patience is NOT one of my virtues…yet

I had to get up at 3:30 this morning. I only got about 4 hours of sleep. I need to fly standby to Los Angeles and the flight was oversold. There are about 40 kids at the gate waiting area. I’m tired and I’m cranky. AND I have a sensitive boyfriend.

These are the makings of a perfect disaster.

Do You Watch People Win While You Are Losing?

As you’re going along, playing this game of life, do you ever notice that people around you are succeeding while you are struggling?  What goes through your mind as you look at them?  I have a tendency to think, “Good for them, why can’t that be me?”

Why can’t that be me?  I would like to offer several options:

What to do When the Storm of Emotions hits

When I made the choice to start feeling my way through life instead of running away from my problems I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  Most days are filled with wide-eyed wonder at how many colors there are in the world.  Some days are an absolute shit storm of overwhelming emotions.

Allow me to paint you a picture:

What Happens When You Don’t Get Your Way?

As I was growing up I was taught not to expect anything.  I was taught that I wasn’t worthy of receiving.  And I was taught that I may as well give up hoping that it would ever change.  Screw that.

I am learning to ask for what I need.  I get frustrated when other people don’t cooperate with me on this.  When I muster up the courage to put a voice to my needs it’s a pretty big deal to me.  If it wasn’t important I wouldn’t be asking.  I feel like I’m a toddler

The Golden Rule and The Imposter Ruling MY Life

You got Yourself into it, now get Yourself out of it!

Most of the time, under normal circumstances, I think I am able to treat people the way I want to be treated.  The thing I’m struggling with lately is that I haven’t been able to relax and be myself in my relationships for a while.  I find that I spend too much of my time in a panic about whether or not the relationship is going in the “right” direction.