Regain Your Independence

He Loves me, he Loves me not, he Loves me...

I’m a firm believer in divine timing. When you are facing a problem the right teacher, book, words or feelings will appear before you. You have a choice whether you would like to pay attention to the message or struggle some more. This whole “living my life with feelings” can be quite a roller coaster.

My husband Rog has been one of my greatest teachers in life. Currently one of my biggest lessons is about control. I go through phases of throwing a hissy fit over my his addiction. He has been a smoker for over 20 years now. I’m a habits and addictions coach, I should be able to help him feel better, right? I forget that he doesn’t need to be saved. My feelings of inadequacy are definitely suited for another dedicated blog post later on. He doesn’t want the help but I hate his habit.

Sometimes I can accept his smoking and go on with life. Other times I tell him how much it scares me and that I’d like him to stop, but that I’m willing to compromise and if he wants help I’m more than happy to assist. Some days I get angry that he stinks and my lungs burn and he’s wasting time and…etc.

Why can’t you just do what I ask of you?

I continually attempt to control his behavior. On occasion I have even convinced myself that his cigarettes are more important than I am and that he doesn’t love me. That will usually result in the silent treatment from me so he can see just how hurt I am.

I do all of these things out of fear. I’m not even conscious that I’m trying to get things my way. It’s an ingrained habit of mine. If I’m not in control of a situation I am panicked. I make myself feel even worse because my mind runs away with crazy thoughts. I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve anything and I am unloved.

I’m getting better at realizing when I’m being nutty. One emotion at a time. I see it and I want to change MY behavior. What now?

Take a step back. Breathe. Allow myself to see what’s real.

• Take a step back: I notice that the insanity is already lifting and all of the crazy thoughts running through my head are starting to slow down. They’re running out of energy. When I’m not caught up in the moment or in the fight it’s easier for me to think.
• Breathe: Deep cleansing breaths help me feel better. It’s soothing to my frazzled nerves. I concentrate on my breath or positive things. I like to do my breathing around people so often I will go to a coffee shop or park and just relax for a bit.
• Allow myself to see what’s real: When I have calmed down and I’m thinking rationally I notice some important things:

My husband loves me. He is a slave to his addiction. I remember how I was with my gambling. I couldn’t help myself, but I never stopped loving the people close to me. I gave up on myself, not them.

I have connected his smoking with the way my mom treated me as a kid and a lack of love. That’s huge! No wonder I throw tantrums and panic about it!

This next one is so obvious and yet hidden at the same time: My husband is NOT my mom.

I am safe. I am loved.

Since I am a reader, I turn to books that will feed my soul. A brilliant little pamphlet titled “Letting Go of the Need to Control” by Ann M. helped me move forward in my learning process. It explains what control looks like and what you can do about it. It’s a Hazelden publication that can be found here on their site. Be sure to go there…I checked for it on Amazon and it’s $5 more. It’s a tiny publication but it is packed with great information. I am certain that it will help you feel better. While you’re on Hazelden’s site make sure you shop around. I’ve found that they have incredible, encouraging and uplifting products.

If you would like further assistance please check out my Gambling Coach and Life Coach pages.  There’s nothing like one on one support and encouragement!

Certified Life Coach and Author with experience on Gambling Addiction

Dump Your Shame!

Think of a time you did something wrong and you were ashamed of your behavior. Or how about the time someone else did it, but you still feel bad about it anyway.

Are you carrying it around with you? Has it become part of the baggage you drag around day to day?

I am ashamed to say

Welcome Home!

The purpose of this blog is to help you see your problems, habits and addictions differently.  When you shift your focus you will be able to dissolve your issues more easily.  Get rid of the negativity, shame and darkness.  You don’t need it anymore.  Choose to focus on health, happiness and light.

Choose to care.

Create a better life.  Enjoy.  Laugh.  Live.  You deserve the best.

Share who you are…we would love to read your comments!

Do You Watch People Win While You Are Losing?

As you’re going along, playing this game of life, do you ever notice that people around you are succeeding while you are struggling?  What goes through your mind as you look at them?  I have a tendency to think, “Good for them, why can’t that be me?”

Why can’t that be me?  I would like to offer several options:

What Happens When You Don’t Get Your Way?

As I was growing up I was taught not to expect anything.  I was taught that I wasn’t worthy of receiving.  And I was taught that I may as well give up hoping that it would ever change.  Screw that.

I am learning to ask for what I need.  I get frustrated when other people don’t cooperate with me on this.  When I muster up the courage to put a voice to my needs it’s a pretty big deal to me.  If it wasn’t important I wouldn’t be asking.  I feel like I’m a toddler

How to Be Your Own Hero

What does being your own hero mean?  Are you good enough?  Are you capable?  Can you do it alone? 

When we wait for other people to take control of our lives we are sending the message that we don’t trust ourselves with our own lives.  Could this be true for you?

What’s the big deal? It’s just a game.

Bejeweled Blitz.  Mafia Wars.  FarmVille.

You know the ones.  These are the Facebook applications you and your friends are playing.  The scores will even post to your profile page.  You can show your friends just how well you’re doing and invite them to play along too.

As I scrolled through my Facebook page I saw the pretty pictures that showed what my friends were scoring and earning.  I finally decided to try one of them, figuring it was just a game, so why not?  I started playing Bejeweled Blitz about a month ago and I was hooked immediately.  I love the idea of

It Worked For Me…DOSE

Simple. Profound. Powerful.

That is, when you choose to use it.

I would be stuck in my stupidity…er, I mean that I would be making my latest attempt to feel better when I would suddenly realize that I’m actually feeling worse. I would be sitting at my machine of the moment and I would experience a brief moment of clarity when I could see that I was losing too much money and that I was hungry and had to go to the bathroom.

When you’re stuck in your stuff it’s hard to pry yourself away from it. I had to figure out a way to get my mind off of it.

One of the most important steps I used to overcome my gambling addiction was to take my DOSE. DO Something Else.

When my chance at change came with my moment of clarity I usually would remember that being hostage to the stupid machine sucked. I cashed out my money (if I was lucky enough to have any left), got up and left the casino. Just doing that helped clear my mind and made me feel better. The next step depended on the situation, but I would usually go for a walk or go home to sleep. Whatever it was that would lighten my mood and help me feel even better.

What can you do differently? Stop mid-bite. Throw the bag of chips away. Don’t return the email from your affair. Turn off the computer. Something for you came to mind, right? Now that you have some new ideas you can choose to do something else. Celebrate your success!

What is your DOSE? How has it helped you?
Please share your comments below.

P.S. This tip can also be found in my book Numb No More along with more helpful solutions.

Numb No More

We often slip into the trap of addictions because we want to escape from our current reality.  We sit in front of the tv for hours, pop pills, gamble or many other things.  Anything we do excessively and without control is an addiction to us.  Even the relationships we are in.  We can be addicted to them too.

When we stop caring about our well being and begin to escape in a numb void we give away our freedom.  Are you ready to take your life back?

Welcome to Numb No More!