This Was My Gambling Addiction part 2

There is Never Enough

Here is some more of my previous life.  You can find additional entries under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

October 22, 2005

So what do I want?  It seems to be the infinite question.  I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but I am in trouble with my gaming.  I’m going to hand my [credit] card over to Lee [my ex-husband] tonight.  I must stop the leak – a trickle has turned into a flash flood and it’s drowning me.

October 24, 2005 11:58 pm

I’m having a hard time still.  I’m tired of being alone.  I’m struggling with the idea that what you focus on will appear.  I don’t know how to focus on a loving relationship.  I know that I have a few men who love me.  I want to be wanted too.  How do I convince myself that I am?

My gambling is still discouraging too.  I’m cutting back ok, but I still don’t have control.  I don’t think I ever will.  I miss Lee.  He’s helping me tremendously but I miss being home with him.

November 6, 2005

I was hoping that I’d feel better…when November came (the 11th month), when I spent all the money, when…whenever.

I feel better some days.  I had a terrible day a few days ago.  I needed to meet Lee and I couldn’t make myself get off of the bathroom floor.  I really just wanted to die.  I wanted them [my deceased grandparents] to come get me so I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.  I keep telling myself that I’m never really alone, but its hard to believe that sometimes.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  What if I really am ok just the way I am?  What if I don’t need to “improve” myself for other people to like me?  What if I’m just around the wrong people?  What if…?

What if I win the jackpot at the Atlantis [Casino in Reno]?  I’ll leave – take my house off the market.  Go to school in the spring and come back in the summer and sell it in the fall.  That’s what I’d do.

I’m in the Silver Club coffee shop now.  I’ve eaten my breakfast and I’m ready to go.  Where?

John is supposed to come over today.  Maybe he’ll make me feel better.  I wish I knew how to make myself feel better.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

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This Was My Gambling Addiction

There is Never Enough

I’m pulling back the curtain on my gambling addiction.  Since I have already written a book and laid my life out on the line, and the fact that I have tended to journal through the rough spots in life, I have decided to give you a better look into my thoughts at the time of my struggles.  I am posting random journal entries with the hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone and that there is hope.  You can find them  under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

9-12-06 2:37 am

Oh, I just love to gamble, and win.  But, how little I win and how often am I coherent enough to enjoy it?  I promised myself I wouldn’t play after I sold the house…I quit after every time I lose (usually).

I actually took a loss break tonight.  All I could think about was going back to gamble.

I’m lonely.  I miss the feeling of someone lovingly touching me.  I miss having sex.  I miss the passion.

I miss having problems other than my addiction.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

Do I Really Want To FEEL This?

Reality alert!

Maybe you can relate to this: Sometimes I convince myself that life just sucks.

There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. Those are the days when gambling used to be like a magic eraser for me. Maybe you drink, or pop pills or veg out in front of the tv or computer. We all make choices, right?  We have the choice of whether or not we want to continue living in our sad and lonely place. I have occasionally been known to carry mine around with me

What Can a Bloom Do?

Blooming roses: something simple and yet so profound.

When I was over my head in gambling drama I didn’t want to do much of anything other than play poker or video slots. I was escaping from the pain of the real world and I didn’t have any room for color other than the neon lights or smells other than the smoke.

Since I made the decision to become Numb No More I have been able to re-discover what I enjoy.

Do You Watch People Win While You Are Losing?

As you’re going along, playing this game of life, do you ever notice that people around you are succeeding while you are struggling?  What goes through your mind as you look at them?  I have a tendency to think, “Good for them, why can’t that be me?”

Why can’t that be me?  I would like to offer several options:

What to do When the Storm of Emotions hits

When I made the choice to start feeling my way through life instead of running away from my problems I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  Most days are filled with wide-eyed wonder at how many colors there are in the world.  Some days are an absolute shit storm of overwhelming emotions.

Allow me to paint you a picture: