Regain Your Independence

He Loves me, he Loves me not, he Loves me...

I’m a firm believer in divine timing. When you are facing a problem the right teacher, book, words or feelings will appear before you. You have a choice whether you would like to pay attention to the message or struggle some more. This whole “living my life with feelings” can be quite a roller coaster.

My husband Rog has been one of my greatest teachers in life. Currently one of my biggest lessons is about control. I go through phases of throwing a hissy fit over my his addiction. He has been a smoker for over 20 years now. I’m a habits and addictions coach, I should be able to help him feel better, right? I forget that he doesn’t need to be saved. My feelings of inadequacy are definitely suited for another dedicated blog post later on. He doesn’t want the help but I hate his habit.

Sometimes I can accept his smoking and go on with life. Other times I tell him how much it scares me and that I’d like him to stop, but that I’m willing to compromise and if he wants help I’m more than happy to assist. Some days I get angry that he stinks and my lungs burn and he’s wasting time and…etc.

Why can’t you just do what I ask of you?

I continually attempt to control his behavior. On occasion I have even convinced myself that his cigarettes are more important than I am and that he doesn’t love me. That will usually result in the silent treatment from me so he can see just how hurt I am.

I do all of these things out of fear. I’m not even conscious that I’m trying to get things my way. It’s an ingrained habit of mine. If I’m not in control of a situation I am panicked. I make myself feel even worse because my mind runs away with crazy thoughts. I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve anything and I am unloved.

I’m getting better at realizing when I’m being nutty. One emotion at a time. I see it and I want to change MY behavior. What now?

Take a step back. Breathe. Allow myself to see what’s real.

• Take a step back: I notice that the insanity is already lifting and all of the crazy thoughts running through my head are starting to slow down. They’re running out of energy. When I’m not caught up in the moment or in the fight it’s easier for me to think.
• Breathe: Deep cleansing breaths help me feel better. It’s soothing to my frazzled nerves. I concentrate on my breath or positive things. I like to do my breathing around people so often I will go to a coffee shop or park and just relax for a bit.
• Allow myself to see what’s real: When I have calmed down and I’m thinking rationally I notice some important things:

My husband loves me. He is a slave to his addiction. I remember how I was with my gambling. I couldn’t help myself, but I never stopped loving the people close to me. I gave up on myself, not them.

I have connected his smoking with the way my mom treated me as a kid and a lack of love. That’s huge! No wonder I throw tantrums and panic about it!

This next one is so obvious and yet hidden at the same time: My husband is NOT my mom.

I am safe. I am loved.

Since I am a reader, I turn to books that will feed my soul. A brilliant little pamphlet titled “Letting Go of the Need to Control” by Ann M. helped me move forward in my learning process. It explains what control looks like and what you can do about it. It’s a Hazelden publication that can be found here on their site. Be sure to go there…I checked for it on Amazon and it’s $5 more. It’s a tiny publication but it is packed with great information. I am certain that it will help you feel better. While you’re on Hazelden’s site make sure you shop around. I’ve found that they have incredible, encouraging and uplifting products.

If you would like further assistance please check out my Gambling Coach and Life Coach pages.  There’s nothing like one on one support and encouragement!

Certified Life Coach and Author with experience on Gambling Addiction

Change Is Multiple Choice!

This is where I usually stop my choices

I have to confess. Change doesn’t come easily for me. It’s about as pleasurable as the sound of someone running their nails down a chalkboard. Yet, the funny thing is that I have a “go with the flow” attitude as well. When it comes to the big life changing things I freeze.

You are observing that right now! I have accepted a challenge to move Jane Cares and Numb No More forward in the next 30 days. You can expect more blog posts, online articles and other goodies that will help get the word out about my dedication to helping people with their habits and addictions. As usual, along the way I will be helping myself as well.

I’m telling you this because I’ve realized that change is multiple choice! My habit is to get to a point where I’ve decided that I need to change something in my life. I rejoice because I know that I’ve made the choice to be aware and take care of myself. Then I will usually find something to research on it by either going to a bookstore or searching online. The next step is to buy a book, read it there or download an article. Woo hoo! Look at me go!

Then there’s this little gremlin in my head that says that I’ve done a great job and that I deserve a break. I can read about it later. I’ve made important strides and I can relax for a bit.

During this break I discover all sorts of other rabbits for me to chase and the thing I was originally wanting to work on has been tossed aside. Maybe later. I’m too busy. I don’t feel like it. I don’t have enough information. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m so tired of doing that to myself! It just makes me feel like a rotten failure. If I keep giving up on myself like that how can I make a difference? I can’t. I’m not willing to make that sacrifice.

I am making a commitment, right now, to keep that fire lit under my butt. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep me going and moving forward.

I’d love it if you would consider joining me in doing something important to you in the next 30 days (from the time you read this) too. Drop me an email at kim@janecares.com or send me a comment. I’d love to be part of your journey!

Time to go…only 8 minutes to post this! Bye for now…

This Was My Gambling Addiction part 2

There is Never Enough

Here is some more of my previous life.  You can find additional entries under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

October 22, 2005

So what do I want?  It seems to be the infinite question.  I know I’m sounding like a broken record, but I am in trouble with my gaming.  I’m going to hand my [credit] card over to Lee [my ex-husband] tonight.  I must stop the leak – a trickle has turned into a flash flood and it’s drowning me.

October 24, 2005 11:58 pm

I’m having a hard time still.  I’m tired of being alone.  I’m struggling with the idea that what you focus on will appear.  I don’t know how to focus on a loving relationship.  I know that I have a few men who love me.  I want to be wanted too.  How do I convince myself that I am?

My gambling is still discouraging too.  I’m cutting back ok, but I still don’t have control.  I don’t think I ever will.  I miss Lee.  He’s helping me tremendously but I miss being home with him.

November 6, 2005

I was hoping that I’d feel better…when November came (the 11th month), when I spent all the money, when…whenever.

I feel better some days.  I had a terrible day a few days ago.  I needed to meet Lee and I couldn’t make myself get off of the bathroom floor.  I really just wanted to die.  I wanted them [my deceased grandparents] to come get me so I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.  I keep telling myself that I’m never really alone, but its hard to believe that sometimes.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?  What if I really am ok just the way I am?  What if I don’t need to “improve” myself for other people to like me?  What if I’m just around the wrong people?  What if…?

What if I win the jackpot at the Atlantis [Casino in Reno]?  I’ll leave – take my house off the market.  Go to school in the spring and come back in the summer and sell it in the fall.  That’s what I’d do.

I’m in the Silver Club coffee shop now.  I’ve eaten my breakfast and I’m ready to go.  Where?

John is supposed to come over today.  Maybe he’ll make me feel better.  I wish I knew how to make myself feel better.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

Be sure to subscribe as well! I’ve been reading my journals and there is much more good stuff to come!

This Was My Gambling Addiction

There is Never Enough

I’m pulling back the curtain on my gambling addiction.  Since I have already written a book and laid my life out on the line, and the fact that I have tended to journal through the rough spots in life, I have decided to give you a better look into my thoughts at the time of my struggles.  I am posting random journal entries with the hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone and that there is hope.  You can find them  under the category of Take a Peek.  I have used these experiences to strengthen my coaching and understanding.  Please keep me in mind when you are ready for help.  Here we go:

9-12-06 2:37 am

Oh, I just love to gamble, and win.  But, how little I win and how often am I coherent enough to enjoy it?  I promised myself I wouldn’t play after I sold the house…I quit after every time I lose (usually).

I actually took a loss break tonight.  All I could think about was going back to gamble.

I’m lonely.  I miss the feeling of someone lovingly touching me.  I miss having sex.  I miss the passion.

I miss having problems other than my addiction.

Please feel free to leave comments and share if you find value in this blog.  Thank You.

Dump Your Shame!

Think of a time you did something wrong and you were ashamed of your behavior. Or how about the time someone else did it, but you still feel bad about it anyway.

Are you carrying it around with you? Has it become part of the baggage you drag around day to day?

I am ashamed to say

Welcome Home!

The purpose of this blog is to help you see your problems, habits and addictions differently.  When you shift your focus you will be able to dissolve your issues more easily.  Get rid of the negativity, shame and darkness.  You don’t need it anymore.  Choose to focus on health, happiness and light.

Choose to care.

Create a better life.  Enjoy.  Laugh.  Live.  You deserve the best.

Share who you are…we would love to read your comments!

Do You Watch People Win While You Are Losing?

As you’re going along, playing this game of life, do you ever notice that people around you are succeeding while you are struggling?  What goes through your mind as you look at them?  I have a tendency to think, “Good for them, why can’t that be me?”

Why can’t that be me?  I would like to offer several options:

How to Be Your Own Hero

What does being your own hero mean?  Are you good enough?  Are you capable?  Can you do it alone? 

When we wait for other people to take control of our lives we are sending the message that we don’t trust ourselves with our own lives.  Could this be true for you?

What’s the big deal? It’s just a game.

Bejeweled Blitz.  Mafia Wars.  FarmVille.

You know the ones.  These are the Facebook applications you and your friends are playing.  The scores will even post to your profile page.  You can show your friends just how well you’re doing and invite them to play along too.

As I scrolled through my Facebook page I saw the pretty pictures that showed what my friends were scoring and earning.  I finally decided to try one of them, figuring it was just a game, so why not?  I started playing Bejeweled Blitz about a month ago and I was hooked immediately.  I love the idea of

Shake the S–t Off Your Shoe

What have you stepped in lately?

Is it possible to see problems, habits and addictions in an amusing and helpful way?

Yep.  Here we go.

There are times in life when you step in the middle of a big steamy pile of poo. When you realize you’ve done this smelly thing you have options:

• You could keep walking and hope that it will eventually wear off. This occurs when we are in denial. You know, “I don’t have a problem.”

• How about pausing for moment to take a whiff? Something smells a bit off but you choose to postpone it and keep moving. “I will quit the next time I (insert your favorite ‘this is the last time’ experience here).”

• Then there’s the possibility that you saw it coming but got distracted and stepped in it anyway.  “I won’t get hooked the first time.  That only happens to other people, not me.”

• You could always look down, see that the mess exists and decide that it stinks and you aren’t going to take it anymore.  Then you get  it off your shoe.  “I’m tired of wasting my life on this stupid problem (habit, addiction).  This has got to stop.  Now.”  At this point you might go get a book (Numb No More is a great one), find a meeting or phone someone who can help.

Choose to shake the s–t off your shoe.  Create a better life for yourself.  You deserve the best you know.

Tell your story.  Share your thoughts with a comment or two.