Regain Your Independence

He Loves me, he Loves me not, he Loves me...

I’m a firm believer in divine timing. When you are facing a problem the right teacher, book, words or feelings will appear before you. You have a choice whether you would like to pay attention to the message or struggle some more. This whole “living my life with feelings” can be quite a roller coaster.

My husband Rog has been one of my greatest teachers in life. Currently one of my biggest lessons is about control. I go through phases of throwing a hissy fit over my his addiction. He has been a smoker for over 20 years now. I’m a habits and addictions coach, I should be able to help him feel better, right? I forget that he doesn’t need to be saved. My feelings of inadequacy are definitely suited for another dedicated blog post later on. He doesn’t want the help but I hate his habit.

Sometimes I can accept his smoking and go on with life. Other times I tell him how much it scares me and that I’d like him to stop, but that I’m willing to compromise and if he wants help I’m more than happy to assist. Some days I get angry that he stinks and my lungs burn and he’s wasting time and…etc.

Why can’t you just do what I ask of you?

I continually attempt to control his behavior. On occasion I have even convinced myself that his cigarettes are more important than I am and that he doesn’t love me. That will usually result in the silent treatment from me so he can see just how hurt I am.

I do all of these things out of fear. I’m not even conscious that I’m trying to get things my way. It’s an ingrained habit of mine. If I’m not in control of a situation I am panicked. I make myself feel even worse because my mind runs away with crazy thoughts. I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve anything and I am unloved.

I’m getting better at realizing when I’m being nutty. One emotion at a time. I see it and I want to change MY behavior. What now?

Take a step back. Breathe. Allow myself to see what’s real.

• Take a step back: I notice that the insanity is already lifting and all of the crazy thoughts running through my head are starting to slow down. They’re running out of energy. When I’m not caught up in the moment or in the fight it’s easier for me to think.
• Breathe: Deep cleansing breaths help me feel better. It’s soothing to my frazzled nerves. I concentrate on my breath or positive things. I like to do my breathing around people so often I will go to a coffee shop or park and just relax for a bit.
• Allow myself to see what’s real: When I have calmed down and I’m thinking rationally I notice some important things:

My husband loves me. He is a slave to his addiction. I remember how I was with my gambling. I couldn’t help myself, but I never stopped loving the people close to me. I gave up on myself, not them.

I have connected his smoking with the way my mom treated me as a kid and a lack of love. That’s huge! No wonder I throw tantrums and panic about it!

This next one is so obvious and yet hidden at the same time: My husband is NOT my mom.

I am safe. I am loved.

Since I am a reader, I turn to books that will feed my soul. A brilliant little pamphlet titled “Letting Go of the Need to Control” by Ann M. helped me move forward in my learning process. It explains what control looks like and what you can do about it. It’s a Hazelden publication that can be found here on their site. Be sure to go there…I checked for it on Amazon and it’s $5 more. It’s a tiny publication but it is packed with great information. I am certain that it will help you feel better. While you’re on Hazelden’s site make sure you shop around. I’ve found that they have incredible, encouraging and uplifting products.

If you would like further assistance please check out my Gambling Coach and Life Coach pages.  There’s nothing like one on one support and encouragement!

Certified Life Coach and Author with experience on Gambling Addiction

Change Is Multiple Choice!

This is where I usually stop my choices

I have to confess. Change doesn’t come easily for me. It’s about as pleasurable as the sound of someone running their nails down a chalkboard. Yet, the funny thing is that I have a “go with the flow” attitude as well. When it comes to the big life changing things I freeze.

You are observing that right now! I have accepted a challenge to move Jane Cares and Numb No More forward in the next 30 days. You can expect more blog posts, online articles and other goodies that will help get the word out about my dedication to helping people with their habits and addictions. As usual, along the way I will be helping myself as well.

I’m telling you this because I’ve realized that change is multiple choice! My habit is to get to a point where I’ve decided that I need to change something in my life. I rejoice because I know that I’ve made the choice to be aware and take care of myself. Then I will usually find something to research on it by either going to a bookstore or searching online. The next step is to buy a book, read it there or download an article. Woo hoo! Look at me go!

Then there’s this little gremlin in my head that says that I’ve done a great job and that I deserve a break. I can read about it later. I’ve made important strides and I can relax for a bit.

During this break I discover all sorts of other rabbits for me to chase and the thing I was originally wanting to work on has been tossed aside. Maybe later. I’m too busy. I don’t feel like it. I don’t have enough information. Blah, blah, blah.

I’m so tired of doing that to myself! It just makes me feel like a rotten failure. If I keep giving up on myself like that how can I make a difference? I can’t. I’m not willing to make that sacrifice.

I am making a commitment, right now, to keep that fire lit under my butt. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep me going and moving forward.

I’d love it if you would consider joining me in doing something important to you in the next 30 days (from the time you read this) too. Drop me an email at kim@janecares.com or send me a comment. I’d love to be part of your journey!

Time to go…only 8 minutes to post this! Bye for now…

Who Do You Think You Are?

Locks of Love Donation

Well, who DO you think you are?

Are you stuck with something that someone told you when you were growing up? Maybe it was someone in high school who told you that you were the meanest person they ever knew. Maybe it was a first grade teacher who said you were really great at word problems.

We hear good and bad things as we go through life.  Now that I’m Numb No More and living in the world of the feeling I am realizing just how many bad things I’ve been dragging around (this is an example).  My gambling addiction

What Can a Bloom Do?

Blooming roses: something simple and yet so profound.

When I was over my head in gambling drama I didn’t want to do much of anything other than play poker or video slots. I was escaping from the pain of the real world and I didn’t have any room for color other than the neon lights or smells other than the smoke.

Since I made the decision to become Numb No More I have been able to re-discover what I enjoy.

Patience is NOT one of my virtues…yet

I had to get up at 3:30 this morning. I only got about 4 hours of sleep. I need to fly standby to Los Angeles and the flight was oversold. There are about 40 kids at the gate waiting area. I’m tired and I’m cranky. AND I have a sensitive boyfriend.

These are the makings of a perfect disaster.

Welcome Home!

The purpose of this blog is to help you see your problems, habits and addictions differently.  When you shift your focus you will be able to dissolve your issues more easily.  Get rid of the negativity, shame and darkness.  You don’t need it anymore.  Choose to focus on health, happiness and light.

Choose to care.

Create a better life.  Enjoy.  Laugh.  Live.  You deserve the best.

Share who you are…we would love to read your comments!

Do You Watch People Win While You Are Losing?

As you’re going along, playing this game of life, do you ever notice that people around you are succeeding while you are struggling?  What goes through your mind as you look at them?  I have a tendency to think, “Good for them, why can’t that be me?”

Why can’t that be me?  I would like to offer several options:

How to Be Your Own Hero

What does being your own hero mean?  Are you good enough?  Are you capable?  Can you do it alone? 

When we wait for other people to take control of our lives we are sending the message that we don’t trust ourselves with our own lives.  Could this be true for you?

Be Your Own Hero

Have you ever sat around wondering about how much better your life would be if only someone would come save you?

I spent most of the time in relationships thinking that they would get better if only my partner would decide that they really wanted to be with me. Surely they would change the way

It Worked For Me…DOSE

Simple. Profound. Powerful.

That is, when you choose to use it.

I would be stuck in my stupidity…er, I mean that I would be making my latest attempt to feel better when I would suddenly realize that I’m actually feeling worse. I would be sitting at my machine of the moment and I would experience a brief moment of clarity when I could see that I was losing too much money and that I was hungry and had to go to the bathroom.

When you’re stuck in your stuff it’s hard to pry yourself away from it. I had to figure out a way to get my mind off of it.

One of the most important steps I used to overcome my gambling addiction was to take my DOSE. DO Something Else.

When my chance at change came with my moment of clarity I usually would remember that being hostage to the stupid machine sucked. I cashed out my money (if I was lucky enough to have any left), got up and left the casino. Just doing that helped clear my mind and made me feel better. The next step depended on the situation, but I would usually go for a walk or go home to sleep. Whatever it was that would lighten my mood and help me feel even better.

What can you do differently? Stop mid-bite. Throw the bag of chips away. Don’t return the email from your affair. Turn off the computer. Something for you came to mind, right? Now that you have some new ideas you can choose to do something else. Celebrate your success!

What is your DOSE? How has it helped you?
Please share your comments below.

P.S. This tip can also be found in my book Numb No More along with more helpful solutions.